Hold On to Your Kids

Gordon Neufeld, Gabor Mat


	(2:40:12) Her parents had lost their dominant position in the attachment order. That accounted for her rudeness and lack of respect, especially when peers were around. Likewise with Sean and Melanie. As the attachment with parents had weakened, the hierarchical arrangement meant to facilitate parenting had collapsed, which is what Melanie's father felt so acutely and was reacting to so vehemently. Melanie was treating her parents as if they were equals who had no business bossing her around and trying to run her life. Instinctively, Melanie's father was trying to put her in her place. Unfortunately,

Jak dziecko się buntuje nie naprawi się tego bardziej wymagając tylko tworząc przywiązanie do rodziców	(3:26:30) Was this counterwill dynamic--distorted and magnified by peer orientation? Simple requests resulted in these children getting their backs up. Push came to shove, expectations backfired. The more important something was to the parents, the less inclined the children were to deliver. The more commanding Melanie's father tried to be, the more rebellious his daughter became. It wasn't so much that the parents were doing anything wrong as that their children's counterwill instinct had been made pervasive and even perverse by peer orientation. The natural purpose

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Attachment, not techniques, gives parents real influence; when a child seeks closeness, the parent becomes the home base and love can reach them.
Whoever a child is attached to becomes their “compass point”; peers can displace parents, and competing primary attachments can’t coexist—one will win.
Deeper attachment (love, emotional intimacy, being known) requires vulnerability; peer‑oriented kids avoid vulnerability, favor shallow ties, and become insatiable.
When the attachment hierarchy flips (peers over parents), respect erodes and counterwill rises; force and manipulation worsen the bond and backfire.
Parental power rests on the child depending specifically on the parent; pushing premature independence often just transfers dependence to peers.
Peer orientation stunts growth: it blocks parental nurturance, narrows values to peer approval, hardens emotions, and weakens curiosity, resilience, and integrative learning.
True independence grows from secure dependence: invite closeness, offer unconditional positive regard, warmth, delight, and generous physical affection—let children rest in your love.
Reconnect before you direct: “collect” the child (eye contact, warmth, sameness, loyalty), use spontaneous gestures of attachment rather than transactional praise or gifts.
Attachment is both shield and vulnerability: secure attachment makes children sensitive to caring adults yet more resilient to outside slights; peer orientation removes this shield.
For home and school: restore adult orientation with meals, shared time, village‑like ties to many caring adults; avoid coercion and teach in ways that prioritize relationship and emergent, self‑motivated learning.
Przywiązanie, a nie techniki, daje rodzicom prawdziwy wpływ; gdy dziecko szuka bliskości, rodzic staje się bazą domową i miłość może do niego dotrzeć.
Ktokolwiek, do kogo dziecko jest przywiązane, staje się jego „punktem odniesienia"; rówieśnicy mogą wyprać rodziców, a konkurujące pierwotne przywiązania nie mogą współistnieć—jedno zwycięży.
Głębsze przywiązanie (miłość, intymność emocjonalna, bycie poznanym) wymaga wrażliwości; dzieci zorientowane na rówieśników unikają wrażliwości, preferują płytkie więzi i stają się nienasycone.
Gdy hierarchia przywiązania się odwraca (rówieśnicy nad rodzicami), szacunek eroduje i rośnie przeciwwola; siła i manipulacja pogarszają więź i przynoszą odwrotny skutek.
Władza rodzicielska opiera się na tym, że dziecko zależy konkretnie od rodzica; forsowanie przedwczesnej niezależności często po prostu przenosi zależność na rówieśników.
Orientacja na rówieśników hamuje rozwój: blokuje rodzicielską troskę, zawęża wartości do aprobaty rówieśników, utwardza emocje i osłabia ciekawość, odporność oraz uczenie się integracyjne.
Prawdziwa niezależność wyrasta z bezpiecznej zależności: zapraszaj do bliskości, oferuj bezwarunkową pozytywną akceptację, ciepło, radość i hojną fizyczną czułość—pozwól dzieciom spocząć w twojej miłości.
Połącz się, zanim pokierujesz: „zbierz" dziecko (kontakt wzrokowy, ciepło, podobieństwo, lojalność), używaj spontanicznych gestów przywiązania zamiast transakcyjnych pochwał czy prezentów.
Przywiązanie jest zarówno tarczą, jak i wrażliwością: bezpieczne przywiązanie czyni dzieci wrażliwymi na troskliwych dorosłych, ale bardziej odpornymi na zewnętrzne urazy; orientacja na rówieśników usuwa tę tarczę.
Dla domu i szkoły: przywróć orientację na dorosłych poprzez posiłki, wspólny czas, wioskowe więzi z wieloma troskliwymi dorosłymi; unikaj przymusu i ucz w sposób, który priorytetowo traktuje relacje oraz spontaniczne, samomotywowane uczenie się.
Rola domowych rytuałów (wspólne posiłki, rozmowy, czytanie) w podtrzymywaniu więzi międzypokoleniowych.
„Kontrwola” jako naturalny mechanizm rozwojowy, który pomaga dziecku budować autonomię, jeśli relacja jest bezpieczna.
Skutki używania siły i manipulacji w wychowaniu: osłabienie relacji i większa podatność dziecka na wpływy z zewnątrz.
Różnica między pochwałą transakcyjną a spontaniczną radością i zachwytem dorosłego—tylko to drugie karmi relację.
Pedagogika relacji: najpierw „zebrać” (nawiązać kontakt), potem „kierować”; znaczenie nauczyciela jako osoby, nie tylko metody.
Uczenie się przez próby i błędy wymaga klimatu bezpieczeństwa; atmosfera „niewrażliwości” dławi ciekawość i odwagę intelektualną.
Znaczenie „wioski” (sieci życzliwych dorosłych) dla odporności dziecka na presję rówieśniczą i dla zdrowego rozwoju.
Koncepcja Rogersa: bezwarunkowa akceptacja jako podstawowy „pokarm” emocjonalny potrzebny do dojrzewania.
Bowlby i „detachment” po rozłące: krótkotrwałe odrzucenie po powrocie rodzica jako adaptacja, mogąca zostawiać ślady w relacjach.

Claude

Summary: Attachment, Parenting, and Child Development
Here are the key points from this text about attachment theory and child development:

Attachment is the foundation of parenting power - A parent's ability to guide, nurture, and influence their child comes not from techniques or discipline, but from the strength of the attachment relationship. Without this psychological connection, parenting skills and love cannot effectively reach the child.
Peer orientation undermines healthy development - When children become primarily attached to peers instead of parents, they lose their natural compass point for values, guidance, and emotional support. This leads to increased counterwill (resistance to authority), emotional defensiveness, and developmental immaturity.
Children need unconditional love and dependence before independence - True maturation requires first satisfying a child's attachment needs through unconditional acceptance. Parents must invite dependence rather than push for premature independence - only when children feel securely attached can they naturally mature into autonomous individuals.
Vulnerability and emotional openness are essential for growth - Children who feel safe in their attachments can remain emotionally vulnerable, which allows them to experience fulfillment, learn from mistakes, and develop integrative thinking. Peer-oriented children often defend against vulnerability, stunting their emotional and cognitive development.
The attachment hierarchy must remain intact - Healthy development requires parents to maintain their position as the dominant attachment figures. When this hierarchy inverts (through peer orientation or other factors), children lose respect for parental authority and become resistant to guidance, making them susceptible to peer influence and poor decision-making.

Here are notable specific concepts, stories, and examples mentioned:

The six modes of attachment - Children attach through different developmental stages: physical proximity (senses), sameness (being like someone), belonging/loyalty, significance (mattering to someone), emotional intimacy (love and warm feelings), and being known psychologically (sharing secrets). Parent-oriented children don't like keeping secrets from parents because it creates distance.
Case studies of peer-oriented children - Kirsten (age 7) no longer turned to her parents for comfort, relying instead on a tight-knit group of three friends. Sean developed deep resistance to depending on his parents, even refusing family meals. Melanie (age 13) changed dramatically after her grandmother died, becoming defiant, skipping school, sneaking out, and declaring she hated her parents - a girlfriend filled the attachment void.
The "compass point" metaphor - Children naturally orient themselves by their primary attachment figures like a sailor uses a compass. A child cannot simultaneously use both peers and parents as compass points - one will dominate. When peers become the compass, children adopt peer values (appearance, entertainment, fitting in) over adult values (education, potential, long-term goals).
Brayden and the soccer bullies - When five-year-old Brayden faced taunting from older kids at soccer practice, he confidently stood up to them saying "I am not a stupid little jerk. My daddy says I'm a soccer player." His strong attachment to his father created a shield against peer hurt - attachment divides the world into "those who can hurt you and those who can't."
The counterwill instinct - This natural resistance to coercion helps children develop their own identity. A five-year-old might insist "the sky is NOT blue" simply because the parent said it was - the child's brain blocks out ideas not originating within themselves. This is healthy when properly directed, but becomes destructive when triggered by peer orientation rather than parent attachment.
Peter's inability to understand "work" - Peter couldn't grasp the concept of work because it requires holding mixed feelings simultaneously - not wanting to do something now but being motivated by long-term goals. Too immature to integrate conflicting feelings, he only worked when he felt like it, like a preschooler despite being older.
The seventh-grade oral sex case - A shocking example involved 12-13 year old girls who told a court that offering oral sex to boys was "routine in their community" and they participated "because everyone else was doing it." This illustrated extreme peer orientation overriding normal developmental boundaries and parental values.
Carl Rogers' "unconditional positive regard" - The psychotherapist described a warm, caring attitude with "no conditions of worth attached to it." Applied to parenting, this means the child must feel certainty that she is precisely the person the parents want and love - she cannot do anything to earn or lose that love, it simply exists regardless of behavior.
The spontaneity principle in collecting children - Parents cannot collect (connect with) a child through expected gifts, birthday presents, or rewards for accomplishments. The child must perceive the offering as spontaneous. Example: When a child asks to spend time together, respond with unexpected enthusiasm: "Oh, that's a great idea! I was wondering how we could spend some time together!"
John Bowlby's detachment observations - The psychiatrist studied ten children separated from parents for prolonged periods. Upon reunion, two didn't recognize their mother, eight turned or walked away from her, most cried or came close to tears. This reflexive rejection is an adaptation: "I was so hurt when you abandoned me that I will not reconnect with you."
The author's personal Holocaust story - As an infant, the author was separated from his mother for 5-6 weeks during WWII, surviving thanks to a Christian woman who hid him with relatives. When reunited after Soviet liberation, he "did not so much as look at her for several days" - a traumatic attachment wound that embedded in his nervous system and affected future relationships.
The African village attachment model - In traditional African communities, adults actively collect children at social gatherings before activities begin. The greater the number of caring adults in a child's life, the more immune they are to peer orientation. African children show "joyful spontaneity, natural smiles, freely loose bodily movements" from close contact with loving adults.
Sarah's pattern of quitting - Her parents would sacrifice to make her dreams possible (like saving for figure skating fees and rearranging schedules), only to have Sarah quit at the first frustration or failure - she left skating after just two lessons. This illustrated immature inability to persist through difficulty, a sign of incomplete development.
The brain's hierarchy of priorities - Information ranks very low in the brain's importance - it's more likely to be tuned out than tuned in. The primary and dominant need is togetherness and connection. Children are hungry for information not about the world, but about their attachment status: Do I belong? Am I wanted? Do I matter?
Social architecture shapes behavior more than individual willpower; design environments that make desired actions effortless and undesired ones friction-filled.
Boredom is a developmental gift, not a problem to solve; unfilled time forces the brain to generate its own meaning, building imagination and executive function.
Children don't need constant happiness—they need the full emotional range; shielding them from disappointment, frustration, or sadness stunts emotional literacy and resilience.
Play is the primary engine of learning until age seven; academic pressure before that age hijacks neural pathways meant for exploration, risk-taking, and social negotiation.
Storytelling beats instruction: the brain remembers narrative structure, emotional arcs, and embodied metaphors far better than abstract rules or lists.
Rituals create psychological safety; predictable rhythms (bedtime routines, weekly traditions, seasonal celebrations) anchor identity and signal "you belong here."
Silence and solitude are cognitive nutrients; constant stimulation—screens, activities, noise—prevents the default-mode network from consolidating memory and building self-concept.
Mastery requires failure repetition, not success repetition; growth happens in the zone where attempts fail often enough to demand adaptation but succeed often enough to sustain motivation.
Multi-age interaction teaches what same-age groups can't: younger children learn aspiration and older children learn mentorship, patience, and responsibility—all lost in age-segregated schools.
Nature exposure recalibrates attention and stress systems; even brief contact with green space lowers cortisol, improves focus, and restores directed-attention capacity better than rest alone.

Raw

(0:10:54) but rather who the parent is to a child. When a child seeks contact and closeness with us, we become empowered as a nurturer, a comforter, a guide, a model, a teacher, or a coach. For a child well attached to us, we are her home base from which to venture into the world, her retreat to fall back to, her fountainhead of inspiration. All the parenting skills in the world cannot compensate for a lack of attachment relationship. All the love in the world cannot get through without the psychological umbilical cord created by the child's attachment.
(0:46:16) as a parent substitute. But who becomes the compass point is a function of attachment, and attachment, as we all know, can be fickle. The crucially important orienting function can be bestowed upon someone ill-suited for the task, a child's peers, for example. When a child becomes so attached to her peers that she would rather be with them and be like them, those peers, whether singly or as a group, become that child's working compass point. It will be her peers with whom she will seek closeness. She will look to her peers for cues on how to act, what to wear, how to look, what to say
(0:57:31) parent, or peer. Most parents, though imperfect, are far less likely than peers to keep on hurting children this way. Feeling A fifth way of finding closeness is through feeling. Warm feelings, loving feelings, affectionate feelings. Emotion is always involved in attachment, but in a preschooler who can feel deeply and vulnerably, the pursuit of emotional intimacy becomes intense. Children who pursue connection in this way often fall in love with those they attach to. A child who experiences emotional intimacy
(0:58:24) Love would be the long arm. The child carries the image of the loving and beloved parent in his mind and finds support and comfort in it. But now we are getting into dangerous territory. To give one's heart away is to risk it being broken. Some people never develop the capacity to be emotionally open and vulnerable, usually due to early perceptions of rejection or abandonment. Those who have loved and suffered hurt may retreat to less vulnerable modes of attaching. As we will show, vulnerability is something peer-oriented children seek to escape.
(0:58:38) to risk it being broken. Some people never develop the capacity to be emotionally open and vulnerable, usually due to early perceptions of rejection or abandonment. Those who have loved and suffered hurt may retreat to less vulnerable modes of attaching. As we will show, vulnerability is something peer-oriented children seek to escape. When deeper forms of attachment appear too risky, the less vulnerable modes will predominate. Emotional intimacy is much less common among peer-oriented kids than in parent-oriented kids.
(0:58:38) away is to risk it being broken. Some people never develop the capacity to be emotionally open and vulnerable, usually due to early perceptions of rejection or abandonment. Those who have loved and suffered hurt may retreat to less vulnerable modes of attaching. As we will show, vulnerability is something peer-oriented children seek to escape. When deeper forms of attachment appear too risky, the less vulnerable modes will predominate. Emotional intimacy is much less common among peer-oriented kids than in parent-oriented kids.
(0:59:23) is through being known. The first signs of this final way of attaching are usually observable by the time a child enters school. To feel close to someone is to be known by them. In some ways, this is a recapitulation of attaching by way of the senses, except that being seen and heard are now experienced psychologically instead of strictly physically. In the pursuit of closeness, a child will share his secrets. In fact, closeness will often be defined by the secrets shared. Parent-oriented children do not like to keep secrets from their parents because of the resulting loss of closeness.
(0:59:23) is through being known. The first signs of this final way of attaching are usually observable by the time a child enters school. To feel close to someone is to be known by them. In some ways, this is a recapitulation of attaching by way of the senses, except that being seen and heard are now experienced psychologically instead of strictly physically. In the pursuit of closeness, a child will share his secrets. In fact, closeness will often be defined by the secrets shared. Parent-oriented children do not like to keep secrets from their parents because of the resulting loss of closeness. For a peer
(1:03:55) existence of competing primary attachments, competing orienting relationships—in other words, orienting relationships with conflicting values, conflicting messages. When primary attachments compete, one will lose out. And it is easy to see why. A sailor relying on a compass could not find his way if there were two magnetic north poles. No more successfully could a child simultaneously use both peers and adults as working compass points. The child will orient either by the values of the peer world or the values of the parents, but not both.
(1:29:47) For many of the other children, in general, we focus more on getting our children fed than on the eating rituals meant to keep us connected. In his groundbreaking book, The Sibling Society, the American poet Robert Bly describes many manifestations of peer orientation and hints at its causes. Although Bly doesn't fully analyze the phenomenon, his insights should have received more attention. Family meals, talks, reading together no longer take place, writes Bly. What the young need—stability, presence, attention, advice, good psychic food
(2:07:49) that neither parent could any longer conjure up feelings of warmth or affection toward their son. Melanie was thirteen years old. Her father could barely contain his anger when he talked about his daughter. Life with her changed after Melanie's grandmother had died when the child was in the sixth grade. Until that time, Melanie had been cooperative at home, a good student at school, and a loving sister to her brother, who was three years older. Now she was missing classes and couldn't care less about homework. She was sneaking out of the house on a regular basis. She refused to talk to her parents, declaring that she hated them,
(2:07:49) that neither parent could any longer conjure up feelings of warmth or affection toward their son. Melanie was 13 years old. Her father could barely contain his anger when he talked about his daughter. Life with her changed after Melanie's grandmother had died when the child was in the sixth grade. Until that time, Melanie had been cooperative at home, a good student at school, and a loving sister to her brother, who was three years older. Now she was missing classes and couldn't care less about homework. She was sneaking out of the house on a regular basis. She refused to talk to her parents, declaring that she hated them.
(2:09:59) and heard mock complaint: If parenting is so important, kids should come with a manual! The Secret of Parental Power Many people have concluded that parents cannot be expected to know what to do without formal training. There are all kinds of parenting courses now, and even classes teaching parents how to read nursery rhymes to their toddlers. Yet experts cannot teach what is most fundamental to effective parenting. The power to parent does not arise from techniques, no matter how well meant, but from the attachment relationship. In all three of our
(2:09:59) ...heard mock complaint, if parenting is so important, kids should come with a manual. The secret of parental power. Many people have concluded that parents cannot be expected to know what to do without formal training. There are all kinds of parenting courses now, and even classes teaching parents how to read nursery rhymes to their toddlers. Yet experts cannot teach what is most fundamental to effective parenting. The power to parent does not arise from techniques, no matter how well meant, but from the attachment relationship.
(2:10:11) Many people have concluded that parents cannot be expected to know what to do without formal training. There are all kinds of parenting courses now, and even classes teaching parents how to read nursery rhymes to their toddlers. Yet experts cannot teach what is most fundamental to effective parenting. The power to parent does not arise from techniques, no matter how well-meant, but from the attachment relationship. In all three of our examples, that power was missing. The secret of a parent's power is in the dependence of the child.
(2:10:11) Many people have concluded that parents cannot be expected to know what to do without formal training. There are all kinds of parenting courses now, and even classes teaching parents how to read nursery rhymes to their toddlers. Yet experts cannot teach what is most fundamental to effective parenting. The power to parent does not arise from techniques, no matter how well meant, but from the attachment relationship. In all three of our examples, that power was missing. The secret of a parent's power is in the dependence of the child. Children are born
(2:10:34) no matter how well meant, but from the attachment relationship. In all three of our examples, that power was missing. The secret of a parent's power is in the dependence of the child. Children are born completely dependent, unable to make their own way in this world. Their lack of viability as separate beings makes them utterly reliant on others for being taken care of, for guidance and direction, for support and approval, for a sense of home and belonging. It is the child's state of dependence that makes parenting necessary in the first place.
(2:10:34) No matter how well meant, but from the attachment relationship. In all three of our examples, that power was missing. The secret of a parent's power is in the dependence of the child. Children are born completely dependent, unable to make their own way in this world. Their lack of viability as separate beings makes them utterly reliant on others for being taken care of, for guidance and direction, for support and approval, for a sense of home and belonging. It is the child's state of dependence that makes parenting necessary in the first place. If our children didn't
(2:11:04) for a sense of home and belonging. It is the child's state of dependence that makes parenting necessary in the first place. If our children didn't need us, we would not need the power to parent. At first glance, the dependence of children seems straightforward enough. But here is the glitch: being dependent does not guarantee dependence on the appropriate caregivers. Every child is born in need of nurturing, but after infancy and toddlerhood not all children necessarily look to the parent to provide it.
(2:11:04) a sense of home and belonging. It is the child's state of dependence that makes parenting necessary in the first place. If our children didn't need us, we would not need the power to parent. At first glance, the dependence of children seems straightforward enough. But here is the glitch: being dependent does not guarantee dependence on the appropriate caregivers. Every child is born in need of nurturing, but after infancy and toddlerhood not all children necessarily look to the parent to provide it.
(2:11:23) forward enough. But here is the glitch: being dependent does not guarantee dependence on the appropriate caregivers. Every child is born in need of nurturing, but after infancy and toddlerhood not all children necessarily look to the parent to provide it. Our power to parent rests not in how dependent our child is but in how much our child depends specifically on us. The power to execute our parental responsibilities lies not in the neediness of our children but in their looking to us to be the answer to their needs.
(2:11:33) need of nurturing, but after infancy and toddlerhood not all children necessarily look to the parent to provide it. Our power to parent rests not in how dependent our child is, but in how much our child depends specifically on us. The power to execute our parental responsibilities lies not in the neediness of our children, but in their looking to us to be the answer to their needs. We cannot truly take care of a child who does not count on us to be taken care of, or who depends on us only for food, clothing, shelter, and other material
(2:11:33) of nurturing, but after infancy and toddlerhood, not all children necessarily look to the parent to provide it. Our power to parent rests not in how dependent our child is, but in how much our child depends specifically on us. The power to execute our parental responsibilities lies not in the neediness of our children, but in their looking to us to be the answer to their needs. We cannot truly take care of a child who does not count on us to be taken care of, or who depends on us only for food, clothing, shelter, and other material
(2:11:47) but in how much our child depends specifically on us. The power to execute our parental responsibilities lies not in the neediness of our children but in their looking to us to be the answer to their needs. We cannot truly take care of a child who does not count on us to be taken care of or who depends on us only for food, clothing, shelter, and other material concerns. We cannot emotionally support a child who is not leaning on us for his psychological needs. It is frustrating to direct a child who does not welcome our guidance.
(2:11:47) but in how much our child depends specifically on us. The power to execute our parental responsibilities lies not in the neediness of our children, but in their looking to us to be the answer to their needs. We cannot truly take care of a child who does not count on us to be taken care of, or who depends on us only for food, clothing, shelter, and other material concerns. We cannot emotionally support a child who is not leaning on us for his psychological needs. It is frustrating to direct a child who does not welcome our guidance, irksome and self-defeating
(2:12:06) count on us to be taken care of, or who depends on us only for food, clothing, shelter, and other material concerns. We cannot emotionally support a child who is not leaning on us for his psychological needs. It is frustrating to direct a child who does not welcome our guidance, irksome and self-defeating to assist one who is not seeking our help. That was the situation faced by the parents of Kirsten, Sean, and Melanie. Kirsten no longer relied on her parents for her attachment needs or for her cues on how to be and what to do. At the tender age of seven, she no longer turned to them
(2:12:20) It is frustrating to direct a child who does not welcome our guidance, irksome and self-defeating to assist one who is not seeking our help. That was the situation faced by the parents of Kirsten, Sean, and Melanie. Kirsten no longer relied on her parents for her attachment needs or for her cues on how to be and what to do. At the tender age of seven, she no longer turned to them for comfort and nurturance. Sean's stance went beyond that. He had developed a deep-seated resistance to being dependent on his father and mother. Sean's resistance, and Melanie's, extended even to being fed.
(2:12:20) psychological needs. It is frustrating to direct a child who does not welcome our guidance, irksome and self-defeating to assist one who is not seeking our help. That was the situation faced by the parents of Kirsten, Sean, and Melanie. Kirsten no longer relied on her parents for her attachment needs or for her cues on how to be and what to do. At the tender age of seven, she no longer turned to them for comfort and nurturance. Sean's stance went beyond that. He had developed a deep-seated resistance to being dependent on his father and mother. Sean's resistance, and Melanie's, extended even to being fed.
(2:12:42) At the tender age of seven, she no longer turned to them for comfort and nurturance. Sean's stance went beyond that—he had developed a deep-seated resistance to being dependent on his father and mother. Sean's resistance, and Melanie's, extended even to being fed or, more exactly, to the ritual of feeding that takes place at the family table. Melanie, as she entered adolescence, no longer looked to her parents for a sense of home or connection. She had no wish to be understood by them or to be intimately known by them. Not one of these three children felt dependent on their parents, and that was at the root of the frustration
(2:14:26) In the lives of these three children, peers had replaced parents as the objects of emotional dependence. Kirsten had a tight-knit group of three friends who served as her compass point and her home base. For Sean, the peer group in general became his working attachment, the entity to which he became connected in place of his parents. His values, interests, and motivations were invested in his peers and the peer culture. For Melanie, the attachment void created by the death of her grandmother was filled by a girlfriend. In all three cases, the peer relationships competed with attachments to the parents, and in each case...
(2:15:13) This spells double trouble for us parents. Not only are we left without the power to manage our child, but the innocent and incompetent usurpers acquire the power to lead our children astray. Our children's peers did not actively seek this power; it goes with the territory of dependence. This sinister cut in parenting power often comes when we least expect it and at a time when we are most in need of natural authority. The seeds of peer dependence have usually taken root by the primary grades, but it is in the intermediate years that the growing incompatibility of peer and parent attachments plays havoc.
(2:15:13) It spells double trouble for us parents. Not only are we left without the power to manage our child, but the innocent and incompetent usurpers acquire the power to lead our children astray. Our children's peers did not actively seek this power. It goes with the territory of dependence. This sinister cut in parenting power often comes when we least expect it and at a time when we are most in need of natural authority. The seeds of peer dependence have usually taken root by the primary grades, but it is in the intermediate years that the growing incompatibility of peer and parent attachments plays havoc.
(2:16:05) apparent, slips from our hands. What to us looks like independence is really just dependence transferred. We are in such a hurry for our children to be able to do things themselves that we do not see just how dependent they really are. Like power, dependence has become a dirty word. We want our children to be self-directing, self-motivated, self-controlled, self-orienting, self-reliant, and self-assured. We have put such a premium on independence that we lose sight of what childhood is about. Parents will complain of their child's oppositional and
(2:16:05) appearance slips from our hands. What to us looks like independence is really just dependence transferred. We are in such a hurry for our children to be able to do things themselves that we do not see just how dependent they really are. Like power, dependence has become a dirty word. We want our children to be self-directing, self-motivated, self-controlled, self-orienting, self-reliant, and self-assured. We have put such a premium on independence that we lose sight of what childhood is about. Parents will complain of their child's oppositional and
(2:16:16) to be able to do things themselves that we do not see just how dependent they really are. Like power, dependence has become a dirty word. We want our children to be self-directing, self-motivated, self-controlled, self-orienting, self-reliant, and self-assured. We have put such a premium on independence that we lose sight of what childhood is about. Parents will complain of their child's oppositional and off-putting behaviors, but rarely do they note that their children have stopped looking to them for nurturing, comfort, and assistance. They are disturbed by their child's failure
(2:16:30) self-controlled, self-orienting, self-reliant, and self-assured. We have put such a premium on independence that we lose sight of what childhood is about. Parents will complain of their child's oppositional and off-putting behaviors, but rarely do they note that their children have stopped looking to them for nurturing, comfort, and assistance. They are disturbed by their child's failure to comply with their reasonable expectations, but seem unaware that the child no longer seeks their affection, approval, or appreciation. They do not notice that the child is turning to peers for support,
(2:18:05) parental authority. Much of my work with families, and much of the advice I will give in this book, is intended to help parents reassume their natural position of authority. What enables peers to displace parents in the first place, given that such displacement seems contrary to what is needed? As always, there is logic to the natural order of things. A child's ability to attach to people who are not her biological parents serves an important function, because in life the presence of the birth parents is by no means assured. They could die or disappear. Our attachment programming required the flexibility
(2:36:53) and also how things are meant to work, our attempted solutions, no matter how well-intentioned, will only compound the problem. Attachment arranges the parent and child hierarchically. The first business of attachment is to arrange adults and children in a hierarchical order. When humans enter a relationship, their attachment brain automatically ranks the participants in order of dominance. Embedded in our inborn brain apparatus are archetypical positions that divide roughly into dominant and dependent, caregiving and care-
(2:36:53) And also how things are meant to work, our attempted solutions, no matter how well-intentioned, will only compound the problem. Attachment arranges the parent and child hierarchically. The first business of attachment is to arrange adults and children in a hierarchical order. When humans enter a relationship, their attachment brain automatically ranks the participants in order of dominance. Embedded in our inborn brain apparatus are archetypical positions that divide roughly into dominant and dependent, caregiving and caregiver.
(2:39:38) to their dominant role. A peer-oriented child has no inner sense of order or rank, no desire for the parent to be bigger than one or above one. On the contrary, any such posturing in the parent strikes the peer-oriented child as contrived and unnatural, as if the parent is trying to lord it over the child or trying to put him down. The three children in the previous chapter were all seduced away from their parental attachments by peer orientation. Although Kirsten was only seven years old, her parents had lost their dominant position in the attachment order. That accounted for
(2:39:54) oriented child is contrived and unnatural, as if the parent is trying to lord it over the child or trying to put him down. The three children in the previous chapter were all seduced away from their parental attachments by peer orientation. Although Kirsten was only seven years old, her parents had lost their dominant position in the attachment order. That accounted for her rudeness and lack of respect, especially when peers were around. Likewise with Sean and Melanie. As the attachment with parents had weakened, the hierarchical arrangement meant to facilitate parenting had collapsed, which is what Melanie's father
(2:40:12) Her parents had lost their dominant position in the attachment order. That accounted for her rudeness and lack of respect, especially when peers were around. Likewise with Sean and Melanie. As the attachment with parents had weakened, the hierarchical arrangement meant to facilitate parenting had collapsed, which is what Melanie's father felt so acutely and was reacting to so vehemently. Melanie was treating her parents as if they were equals who had no business bossing her around and trying to run her life. Instinctively, Melanie's father was trying to put her in her place. Unfortunately,
(2:41:01) child into obedience, at the price of grave damage to the relationship and to the child's long-term development. Peer orientation is not the only way the attachment order can become inverted. It may happen, for example, because the parents have unresolved needs they project onto the child. In our respective practices as psychologist and physician, we have both seen parents who would rely on their children as confidants, complaining to their children about problems with their spouse. The child becomes a listening post for the parent's emotional distress. Instead of being able to confide to her parents her own difficulty,
(2:41:36) emotional distress. Instead of being able to confide to her parents her own difficulties, she learns to suppress her needs and to serve the emotional needs of others. Such an inversion of the attachment hierarchy is also harmful to healthy development. In Attachment, the first volume of his classic trilogy exploring the influence of parent-child relationships on personality development, the psychiatrist John Bowlby writes that, "...the reversal of roles between child or adolescent and parent, unless very temporary, is almost always not only a sign of pathology in the parent, but a cause of it in the child."
(2:41:36) Instead of being able to confide to her parents her own difficulties, she learns to suppress her needs and to serve the emotional needs of others. Such an inversion of the attachment hierarchy is also harmful to healthy development. In Attachment, the first volume of his classic trilogy exploring the influence of parent-child relationships on personality development, the psychiatrist John Bowlby writes that the reversal of roles between child or adolescent and parent, unless very temporary, is almost always not only a sign of pathology in the parent, but a cause of it in the child.
(2:47:07) The mother cat will physically chastise the kitten for the slightest infraction, no matter how unavoidable it was. Our maturity as human parents and our sense of responsibility can help us transcend such instinctive reactions, but we still have much in common with other creatures of attachment. We too are triggered more easily when the attachment has become weakened. The lack of spontaneous mutual attachment is probably what has given step-parents such a bad reputation in the fairy tales of children. Most of us need the help of attachment to put up with the wear and tear experienced while executing
(2:47:07) The mother cat will physically chastise the kitten for the slightest infraction, no matter how unavoidable it was. Our maturity as human parents and our sense of responsibility can help us transcend such instinctive reactions, but we still have much in common with other creatures of attachment. We too are triggered more easily when the attachment has become weakened. The lack of spontaneous mutual attachment is probably what has given stepparents such a bad reputation in the fairy tales of children. Most of us need the help of attachment to put up with the wear and tear experienced while executing
(2:58:17) Attachment provides power-assisted learning. How delightful it is, many people have found, to study a new language when in love with the charming instructor! Whether we know it or not, as parents and teachers we rely heavily on attachment to make models out of us. When peers replace parents as the dominant attachment figures, they become our child's models without of course assuming any responsibility for the end result. Our children copy each other's language, gestures, actions, attitudes, and preferences. The learning is just as impressive, but the content
(2:58:17) Attachment provides power-assisted learning. How delightful it is, many people have found, to study a new language when in love with the charming instructor. Whether we know it or not, as parents and teachers we rely heavily on attachment to make models out of us. When peers replace parents as the dominant attachment figures, they become our child's models without of course assuming any responsibility for the end result. Our children copy each other's language, gestures, actions, attitudes, and preferences. The learning is just as impressive, but the content is
(3:06:22) the child that he is good, we think we are describing an innate characteristic of the child. What we don't see is that it's the child's attachment to the adult that fosters that goodness. In this way, we are blind to the power of attachment. The danger in believing that the child's innate personality causes his desire to be good is that we will blame and shame him, we will see him as bad, if we find that desire lacking. The impulse to be good arises less from a child's character than from the nature of a child's relationships. If a child is bad, it's the relationship we need to correct, not the child.
(3:06:22) child that he is good, we think we are describing an innate characteristic of the child. What we don't see is that it's the child's attachment to the adult that fosters that goodness. In this way, we are blind to the power of attachment. The danger in believing that the child's innate personality causes his desire to be good is that we will blame and shame him, we will see him as bad if we find that desire lacking. The impulse to be good arises less from a child's character than from the nature of a child's relationships. If a child is bad, it's the relationship we need to correct, not the child.
(3:11:46) respect for society, the realization of potential, the development of talent, the pursuit of a passion, the appreciation of culture—are often replaced with peer values that are much more immediate and short term. Appearance, entertainment, peer loyalty, spending time together, fitting into the subculture, and getting along with each other will be prized above education and the realization of personal potential. Parents often find themselves arguing about values, not realizing that for their peer-oriented children, values are nothing more than the standards that they, the children, must meet in order to gain the acceptance.
(3:24:17) Asked what matters the most to them, peer-oriented and counterwill-driven children often reply, to not let anyone push us around. So pervasive and severe is their counterwill that to adults they seem incorrigible and impossible to manage. Clinicians diagnose such children with oppositional defiant disorder. Yet it is not the oppositionality, the counterwill that is out of order, but the child's attachments. These children are only being true to their instinct in defying people to whom they do not feel connected. The more peer-oriented a child, the more resistant to the adults in charge.
(3:26:30) was this counterwill dynamic, distorted and magnified by peer orientation. Simple requests resulted in these children getting their backs up, push came to shove, expectations backfired. The more important something was to the parents, the less inclined the children were to deliver. The more commanding Melanie's father tried to be, the more rebellious his daughter became. It wasn't so much that the parents were doing anything wrong as that their children's counterwill instinct had been made pervasive and even perverse by peer orientation. The natural purpose
(3:27:50) helpless and dependent, but the outcome of natural development is the maturation of a self-motivated and self-regulated individual with a genuine will of her own. The long transition from infancy to adulthood begins with the very young child's tentative moves toward separation from the parents. Counterwill first appears in the toddler to help in that task of individuation. In essence, the child erects a wall of no's. Behind this wall, the child can gradually learn her likes and dislikes, aversions and preferences, without being overwhelmed by the far more powerful will of the parent.
(3:33:15) But, as I will explain, that shift toward genuine independence can happen only when a child is absolutely secure in his attachment to the adults in his life. See Chapter 9. A five-year-old safely grounded in his relationship with his parents might react to a "the sky is blue" kind of statement by retorting adamantly that it is not. It may seem to the parent that the child is blatantly contrary or trying to be difficult. In reality, the child's brain is simply blocking out any ideas or thoughts that have not originated within him. Anything that is alien to him is resisted
(3:33:15) But, as I will explain, that shift toward genuine independence can happen only when a child is absolutely secure in his attachment to the adults in his life. See Chapter 9. A five-year-old, safely grounded in his relationship with his parents, might react to a "the sky is blue" kind of statement by retorting adamantly that it is not. It may seem to the parent that the child is blatantly contrary or trying to be difficult. In reality, the child's brain is simply blocking out any ideas or thoughts that have not originated within him. Anything that is alien to him is resistant
(3:34:54) and the child makes headway in becoming her own person, the need for attachment wanes. As it does, the maturing child will be even more sensitive to coercion and even less amenable to being bossed around. Such a child will feel demeaned when treated as if he or she does not have his own thoughts and opinions, boundaries, values and goals, decisions and aspirations. She will resist adamantly when not acknowledged as a separate person. Again, this is a good thing. Counterwill is serving the purpose of protecting the child against becoming an extension of anyone else, even the parent.
(3:34:54) Ultimately, and the child makes headway in becoming her own person, the need for attachment wanes. As it does, the maturing child will be even more sensitive to coercion and even less amenable to being bossed around. Such a child will feel demeaned when treated as if he or she does not have his own thoughts and opinions, boundaries, values and goals, decisions and aspirations. She will resist adamantly when not acknowledged as a separate person. Again, this is a good thing. Counterwill is serving the purpose of protecting the child against becoming an extension of anyone else, even the parent.
(3:35:03) and even less amenable to being bossed around. Such a child will feel demeaned when treated as if he or she does not have his own thoughts and opinions, boundaries, values and goals, decisions and aspirations. She will resist adamantly when not acknowledged as a separate person. Again, this is a good thing. Counterwill is serving the purpose of protecting the child against becoming an extension of anyone else, even the parent. It helps to deliver an autonomous, emergent, independent being, full of vitality and able to function outside of attachments.
(3:35:03) sensitive to coercion and even less amenable to being bossed around. Such a child will feel demeaned when treated as if he or she does not have his own thoughts and opinions, boundaries, values and goals, decisions and aspirations. She will resist adamantly when not acknowledged as a separate person. Again, this is a good thing. Counterwill is serving the purpose of protecting the child against becoming an extension of anyone else, even the parent. It helps to deliver an autonomous, emergent, independent being, full of vitality and able to function outside of attachments.
(3:39:06) to do so, he will suppress his own feelings and camouflage his own opinions, should they differ from those of his peers. Are we saying that it may not be natural, for example, that a teenager may want to stay out late with his friends? No, the teen may want to hang out with his pals not because he is driven by peer orientation but simply because on occasion that's just what he feels like doing. The question is, is he willing to discuss the matter with his parents? Is he respectful of their perspective? Is he able to say no to his friends when he has other responsibilities or family events or when he simply may prefer being on his own?
(3:39:06) his peers. To do so, he will suppress his own feelings and camouflage his own opinions, should they differ from those of his peers. Are we saying that it may not be natural, for example, that a teenager may want to stay out late with his friends? No, the teen may want to hang out with his pals not because he is driven by peer orientation, but simply because on occasion that's just what he feels like doing. The question is, is he willing to discuss the matter with his parents? Is he respectful of their perspective? Is he able to say no to his friends when he has other responsibilities or family events, or when he simply may prefer being on his own?
(3:43:44) is not without cost. The relationship will be weakened by the insecurity caused by our anger and our threats. The more force we use, the more wear and tear on the relationship. The weaker the relationship becomes, the more prone we are to being replaced, nowadays most often by peers. Not only is peer orientation a major cause of counterwill, but our reactions to counterwill can foster peer orientation. Why Force and Manipulation Backfire
(3:43:44) The relationship is not without cost. The relationship will be weakened by the insecurity caused by our anger and our threats. The more force we use, the more wear and tear on the relationship. The weaker the relationship becomes, the more prone we are to being replaced, nowadays most often by peers. Not only is peer orientation a major cause of counterwill, but our reactions to counterwill can foster peer orientation. Why force and manipulation backfire
(3:50:25) We need to get past the symptoms. If all we perceive is the resistance or the insolence, we will respond with anger, frustration, and force. We must see that the child is only reacting instinctively whenever he feels he is being pushed and pulled. Beyond the counterwill, we need to recognize the weakened attachment. The defiance is not the essence of the problem. The root cause is the peer orientation that makes counterwill backfire on adults and robs it of its natural purpose. As we will discuss in Part 4, the best response to a child's
(4:16:02) These are not the kids I am most concerned about, although I certainly do have a concern about the impact an atmosphere of invulnerability will have on their learning and development. In such an environment, genuine curiosity cannot thrive, questions cannot be freely asked, naive enthusiasm for learning cannot be expressed. Risks are not taken in such an environment, nor can passion for life and creativity find their outlets.
(4:16:02) using themselves to ridicule and attack. Invulnerability is a camouflage they adopt to blend in with the crowd but will quickly remove in the company of those with whom they have the safety to be their true selves. These are not the kids I am most concerned about, although I certainly do have a concern about the impact an atmosphere of invulnerability will have on their learning and development. In such an environment, genuine curiosity cannot thrive, questions cannot be freely asked, naive enthusiasm for learning cannot be expressed. Risks are not taken in such an environment, nor can passion for life and creativity find their outlets.
(4:17:52) whose experience of emotional pain has been profound. Most likely to develop this extreme type of defensive emotional hardening are children from orphanages or multiple foster homes, children who have experienced significant losses or have suffered abuse and neglect. Given the trauma they have endured, it is easy to appreciate why such children would have developed powerful unconscious defenses. What is surprising is that, without any comparable trauma, many children who have been peer-oriented for some time can manifest the same level of defensiveness. It seems that peer-oriented kids
(4:19:39) Everyone can experience such emotional closing down at times. A child becomes defended against vulnerability when being shut down is no longer just a temporary reaction but becomes a persistent state. There are four reasons peer-oriented kids are more susceptible to emotional wounds than adult-oriented ones. The net effect is a flight from vulnerability disturbingly similar to the emotional hardening of traumatized children. Peer-oriented children lose their natural shield against stress.
(4:19:39) Emotionally wounded. Everyone can experience such emotional closing down at times. A child becomes defended against vulnerability when being shut down is no longer just a temporary reaction but becomes a persistent state. There are four reasons peer-oriented kids are more susceptible to emotional wounds than adult-oriented ones. The net effect is a flight from vulnerability disturbingly similar to the emotional hardening of traumatized children. Peer-oriented children lose their natural shield against stress.
(4:22:05) When Brayden was five years old, Brayden wanted to play soccer in the local community league. On the very first day of practice, some older kids gave him a rough time. When I heard their voices taunting and ridiculing him, I quickly turned into a protective father bear. I had every intention of giving these young bullies an external attitude adjustment. When I observed Brayden face off with them, stretching himself to his full height, putting his hands on his hips, and sticking his chest out as far as it would go. I heard him say something like, I am not a stupid little jerk. My daddy says I'm a soccer player. And that seemed to be that.
(4:22:05) five years old. Brayden wanted to play soccer in the local community league. On the very first day of practice some older kids gave him a rough time. When I heard their voices taunting and ridiculing him, I quickly turned into a protective father bear. I had every intention of giving these young bullies an external attitude adjustment. When I observed Brayden face off with them, stretching himself to his full height, putting his hands on his hips and sticking his chest out as far as it would go, I heard him say something like, I am not a stupid little jerk. My daddy says I'm a soccer player. And that seemed to be that.
(4:23:18) also sensitizes him to the father's own words and gestures. If he, the parent, belittled him, shamed him, poured contempt on him, Brayden would be devastated. His attachment to his parents renders him highly vulnerable in relationship to them, but less vulnerable in relationship to others. There is an inside and an outside to attachment. The vulnerability is on the inside, the invulnerability on the outside. Attachment is both a shield and a sword. Attachment divides the world into those who can hurt you and those who can't. Attachment and vulnerability,
(4:23:18) also sensitizes him to the father's own words and gestures. If he, the parent, belittled him, shamed him, poured contempt on him, Braden would be devastated. His attachment to his parents renders him highly vulnerable in relationship to them, but less vulnerable in relationship to others. There is an inside and an outside to attachment. The vulnerability is on the inside, the invulnerability on the outside. Attachment is both a shield and a sword. Attachment divides the world into those who can hurt you and those who can't. Attachment and vulnerability, these two great
(4:23:57) These two great themes of human existence go hand in hand. An obvious part of our job as parents is to defend our children against being physically wounded. Although the bruising is not always so visible, the capacity to be hurt is even greater in the psychological arena. Even we adults, as relatively mature creatures, can be violently thrown off our course or become immobilized by the emotional pain of disrupted attachments. If we as adults can get hurt in this way, how much more can children, who are far more dependent, far more in need of their attachments?
(4:51:16) parents. They would extend themselves to make possible some fervently expressed desire of hers, only to find that she bolted at the first moment of frustration or failure. She quit her figure skating class at the end of her second lesson after they had carefully saved the money for the fees and arranged their schedules to accommodate her timetable. Sarah was also very impulsive, impatient, and would lose her temper easily. She kept on promising to be good, but often failed to follow through. Peter's mother and father were also concerned. Their son was chronically impatient and irritable, at times getting quite nasty with his sister as well as his parents.
(4:54:37) It affects many children well past the preschool years and may even be seen in teenagers and adults. Many adults have not attained maturity, have not mastered being independent, self-motivated individuals capable of tending their own emotional needs and of respecting the needs of others. Among the several reasons why maturity is less and less prevalent today, peer orientation is probably the main culprit. Immaturity and peer orientation go hand in hand. The earlier the onset of peer orientation in a child's life and the more intense the preoccupation with peers, the greater the likelihood
(4:54:37) affects many children well past the preschool years and may even be seen in teenagers and adults. Many adults have not attained maturity, have not mastered being independent, self-motivated individuals capable of tending their own emotional needs and of respecting the needs of others. Among the several reasons why maturity is less and less prevalent today, peer orientation is probably the main culprit. Immaturity and peer orientation go hand in hand. The earlier the onset of peer orientation in a child's life and the more intense the preoccupation with peers, the greater the likelihood
(4:58:14) Peter could not assimilate the idea of work because the concept requires mixed feelings. Work is often not very attractive, but we generally do it because we can mix our resistance to it in the moment with a commitment or purpose we may have in mind for the long term. Too immature to hold on to a goal beyond immediate satisfaction, Peter worked only when he felt like it, and that wasn't very often. He was conscious of no more than one feeling at a time. In this sense, he was no different from any preschooler. His failure to endure conflicting thoughts, feelings, and purposes in his consciousness was a legacy
(5:02:14) becomes unique and separate from other individuals. The better differentiated she becomes, the more she is able to mix with others without losing her sense of self. More fundamentally, a sense of self first needs to separate from inner experience, a capacity entirely absent in the young child. The child has to be able to know that she is not identical with whatever feeling happens to be active in her at any particular moment. She can feel something without her actions being necessarily dominated by that feeling. She can be aware of other conflicting feelings or of thoughts
(5:08:41) for parents is to help kids grow up, not simply to look like grown-ups. If discipline is no cure for immaturity and if scripting is helpful but insufficient, how can we help our children mature? For years, developmentalists puzzled over the conditions that activated maturation. The breakthrough came only when researchers discovered the fundamental importance of attachment. Surprising as it may be to say, the story of maturation is quite straightforward and self-evident. Like so much else in child development, it begins with attachment.
(5:09:46) Their needs are met for attachment, for nurturing contact, and for being able to depend on the relationship unconditionally. Few parents, and even fewer experts, understand this intuitively. When I became a parent, one thoughtful father who did understand said to me, I saw that the world seemed absolutely convinced that you must form your children, actively form their characters, rather than simply create an environment in which they can develop and thrive. Nobody seemed to get that if you give them the loving connection they need, they will flourish.
(5:09:53) Few parents, and even fewer experts, understand this intuitively. When I became a parent, one thoughtful father who did understand said to me, I saw that the world seemed absolutely convinced that you must form your children, actively form their characters, rather than simply create an environment in which they can develop and thrive. Nobody seemed to get that if you give them the loving connection they need, they will flourish. The key to activating maturation is to take care of the attachment needs of the child.
(5:09:53) Few parents, and even fewer experts, understand this intuitively. When I became a parent, one thoughtful father who did understand said to me, I saw that the world seemed absolutely convinced that you must form your children, actively form their characters, rather than simply create an environment in which they can develop and thrive. Nobody seemed to get that if you give them the loving connection they need, they will flourish. The key to activating maturation is to take care of the attachment needs of the child, to foster
(5:10:02) One thoughtful father who did understand said to me, "I saw that the world seemed absolutely convinced that you must form your children, actively form their characters, rather than simply create an environment in which they can develop and thrive. Nobody seemed to get that if you give them the loving connection they need, they will flourish. The key to activating maturation is to take care of the attachment needs of the child. To foster independence, we must first invite dependence. To promote individuation, we must provide a sense of belonging and unity
(5:10:16) Nobody seemed to get that if you give them the loving connection they need, they will flourish. The key to activating maturation is to take care of the attachment needs of the child. To foster independence, we must first invite dependence. To promote individuation, we must provide a sense of belonging and unity. To help the child separate, we must assume the responsibility for keeping the child close. We help a child let go by providing more contact and connection than he himself is seeking. When he asks for a hug, we give him
(5:10:26) The key to activating maturation is to take care of the attachment needs of the child. To foster independence we must first invite dependence; to promote individuation we must provide a sense of belonging and unity; to help the child separate we must assume the responsibility for keeping the child close. We help a child let go by providing more contact and connection than he himself is seeking. When he asks for a hug, we give him a warmer one than he is giving us. We liberate children not by making them work for our love but by letting them rest in it.
(5:10:44) responsibility for keeping the child close. We help a child let go by providing more contact and connection than he himself is seeking. When he asks for a hug, we give him a warmer one than he is giving us. We liberate children not by making them work for our love, but by letting them rest in it. We help a child face the separation involved in going to sleep or going to school by satisfying his need for closeness. Thus, the story of maturation is one of paradox. Dependence and attachment foster independence and genuine separation.
(5:11:23) Attachment is the womb of maturation. Just as the biological womb gives birth to a separate being in the physical sense, attachment gives birth to a separate being in the psychological sense. Following physical birth, the developmental agenda is to form an emotional attachment womb for the child from which he can be born once again as an autonomous individual, capable of functioning without being dominated by attachment drives. Humans never outgrow their need to connect with others, nor should they, but mature, truly individual people are not controlled by these needs. Becoming such a separate being
(5:13:14) sense of confidence in a supply, getting food will continue to be the top priority. A child is not free to proceed with his learning and his life until the food issues are taken care of, and we parents do that as a matter of course. Our duty ought to be equally transparent to us in satisfying the child's attachment hunger. In his book On Becoming a Person, the psychotherapist Carl Rogers describes a warm, caring attitude, for which he adopted the phrase unconditional positive regard, because, he said, it has no conditions of worth attached to it. This is a caring
(5:14:11) therapist in relation to her or his clients. Substitute parent for therapist and child for client, and we have an eloquent description of what is needed in a parent-child relationship. Unconditional parental love is the indispensable nutrient for the child's healthy emotional growth. The first task is to create space in the child's heart for the certainty that she is precisely the person the parents want and love. She does not have to do anything or be any different to earn that love. In fact, she cannot do anything since that love cannot be won or lost. It is not conditional. It is just there.
(5:14:11) Substitute parent for therapist and child for client, and we have an eloquent description of what is needed in a parent-child relationship. Unconditional parental love is the indispensable nutrient for the child's healthy emotional growth. The first task is to create space in the child's heart for the certainty that she is precisely the person the parents want and love. She does not have to do anything or be any different to earn that love; in fact, she cannot do anything since that love cannot be won or lost. It is not conditional. It is just there.
(5:14:27) child's healthy emotional growth. The first task is to create space in the child's heart for the certainty that she is precisely the person the parents want and love. She does not have to do anything or be any different to earn that love. In fact, she cannot do anything since that love cannot be won or lost. It is not conditional. It is just there, regardless of which side the child is acting from, good or bad. The child can be ornery, unpleasant, whiny, uncooperative, and plain rude, and the parent still lets her feel loved.
(5:14:27) healthy emotional growth. The first task is to create space in the child's heart for the certainty that she is precisely the person the parents want and love. She does not have to do anything or be any different to earn that love. In fact, she cannot do anything since that love cannot be won or lost. It is not conditional. It is just there, regardless of which side the child is acting from, good or bad. The child can be ornery, unpleasant, whiny, uncooperative, and plain rude, and the parent still lets her feel loved.
(5:17:59) Peer orientation stunts growth in five significant ways. Parental nurturance cannot get through. One effect of peer orientation is that the love and nurturance we have for our children cannot get through. This was certainly the case in Peter's situation and for many of the parents I have conferred with. There was no doubt that Peter's parents loved him, wanted the best for him, and were willing to sacrifice for him. However, they, like many parents in their situation, found it difficult to maintain love in the absence of any kind of reciprocity from their son and even more daunting
(5:18:59) A virtual banquet spread out before him but is suffering from psychological malnourishment because of attachment problems. You cannot feed someone who is not sitting at your table. All the love in the world would not be enough to take the child to the turning point. The umbilical cord needs to be hooked up for the nourishment to get through. It is impossible to satiate the attachment needs of a child who is not actively attaching to the person willing and able to provide for those needs. When a child replaces parents with peers as the primary attachment figures, it is to peers she will look for emotional nurturing. Plainly put, it is exceptional
(5:22:21) For the reasons discussed in the last chapter, peer-oriented children cannot permit themselves to feel their vulnerability. It may seem strange that feelings of fulfillment would require openness to feelings of vulnerability. There is no hurt or pain in fulfillment, quite the opposite. Yet there is an underlying emotional logic to this phenomenon. For the child to feel full, he must first feel empty. To feel helped, the child must first feel in need of help. To feel complete, he must have felt incomplete. To experience the joy of reunion, one must first experience the ache of loss.
(5:25:04) or are too defended against vulnerability to be capable of satiation. Insatiability keeps our children stuck in first gear developmentally, stuck in immaturity, unable to transcend basic instincts. They are thwarted from ever finding rest and remain ever dependent on someone or something outside themselves for satisfaction. Neither the discipline imposed by parents nor the love felt by them can cure this condition. The only hope is to bring children back into the attachment fold where they belong and then soften them up to where our love can actually
(7:03:27) baseball prospect, a draft pick of the Los Angeles Dodgers for 2003, was found guilty of inviting sexual touching by a minor and sentenced to 45 days in jail. On one occasion, the young athlete had had two girls, ages 12 and 13, perform oral sex on him. At his successful appeal he argued that he had not initiated the contact the girls had. And why? The two alleged victims told the court that it was routine in their community for seventh-grade girls to offer oral sex to boys. One of them said that she participated because everyone else was doing it and
(7:03:27) baseball prospect, a draft pick of the Los Angeles Dodgers for 2003, was found guilty of inviting sexual touching by a minor and sentenced to 45 days in jail. On one occasion, the young athlete had had two girls, ages 12 and 13, perform oral sex on him. At his successful appeal he argued that he had not initiated the contact, the girls had. And why? The two alleged victims told the court that it was routine in their community for seventh-grade girls to offer oral sex to boys. One of them said that she participated because everyone else was doing it
(7:38:06) Apart from attachments Highly emergent children usually have areas of keen interest and are intrinsically motivated to learn. They derive great satisfaction from forming an insight or in understanding how something works. They create their own goals around learning. They like to be original and seek self-mastery. Emergent learners take delight in responsibility and spontaneously move to realize their own potential. For teachers who value curiosity, invite questions, and give the child's interests the lead, emergent learners are a delight to teach.
(7:43:17) Our pedagogy and curriculum take the integrative abilities of children for granted. When we, as educators, fail to register what's missing, we also fail to realize what we're up against in trying to temper children's thinking or behavior. We try to get them to do something their minds are incapable of, and when we don't succeed, we punish them for that failure. Those with integrative minds assume that everyone else can think the same way, but this assumption no longer fits the kinds of learners we face in our classrooms today. Children who lack integrative intelligence are not amenable to this form of teaching and need to be
(7:43:44) someone else can think the same way. But this assumption no longer fits the kinds of learners we face in our classrooms today. Children who lack integrative intelligence are not amenable to this form of teaching and need to be approached differently. Peer-oriented students are more likely to be disabled learners, untempered in thought, feeling, and action. Peer orientation jeopardizes adaptive trial and error learning. Most learning occurs by adaptation, by a process of trial and error.
(7:43:44) Someone else can think the same way, but this assumption no longer fits the kinds of learners we face in our classrooms today. Children who lack integrative intelligence are not amenable to this form of teaching and need to be approached differently. Peer-oriented students are more likely to be disabled learners, untempered in thought, feeling, and action. Peer orientation jeopardizes adaptive trial and error learning. Most learning occurs by adaptation, by a process of trial and error. We attempt new
(7:43:54) are not amenable to this form of teaching and need to be approached differently. Peer-oriented students are more likely to be disabled learners, untempered in thought, feeling, and action. Peer orientation jeopardizes adaptive trial-and-error learning. Most learning occurs by adaptation, by a process of trial and error. We attempt new tasks, make mistakes, encounter stumbling blocks, get things wrong, and then draw the appropriate conclusions or have someone else draw them for us.
(7:44:01) to be disabled learners, untempered in thought, feeling, and action. Peer orientation jeopardizes adaptive trial-and-error learning. Most learning occurs by adaptation, by a process of trial and error. We attempt new tasks, make mistakes, encounter stumbling blocks, get things wrong, and then draw the appropriate conclusions or have someone else draw them for us. Failure is an essential part of the learning process, and correction is the primary instrument of teaching. The flight from
(7:44:01) to be disabled learners, untempered in thought, feeling, and action. Peer orientation jeopardizes adaptive trial-and-error learning. Most learning occurs by adaptation, by a process of trial and error. We attempt new tasks, make mistakes, encounter stumbling blocks, get things wrong, and then draw the appropriate conclusions or have someone else draw them for us. Failure is an essential part of the learning process, and correction is the primary instrument of teaching.
(8:13:23) move to restore what psychologist Gershen Kaufman has called the interpersonal bridge, and rebuilding that bridge is always our responsibility. We can't expect children to do it. They are not mature enough to understand the need for it. For teachers and/or other adults who are in charge of children not their own, collecting them should always be the first item of business. If we try to take care of children or to instruct them without having first collected them, we run counter to their natural instinct to resist the demands and instructions of strangers. It is undoubtedly this act of collecting a child that sets the master teacher
(8:16:51) of affection are potent. Researchers have identified emotional warmth, enjoyment, and delight at the top of the list as effective activators of attachment. If we have a twinkle in our eye and some warmth in our voice, we invite connection that most children will not turn down. When we give children signs that they matter to us, most children will want to hold on to the knowledge that they are special to us and appreciated in our life. For our own children, the physical component is key. Hugs and embraces were designed for children to hold on to and can warm up a child
(8:16:51) Researchers have identified emotional warmth, enjoyment, and delight at the top of the list as effective activators of attachment. If we have a twinkle in our eye and some warmth in our voice, we invite connection that most children will not turn down. When we give children signs that they matter to us, most children will want to hold on to the knowledge that they are special to us and appreciated in our life. For our own children, the physical component is key. Hugs and embraces were designed for children to hold on to and can warm up a child
(8:17:57) For the six modes of attachment, see Chapter 2. Although touch is important, we need to keep in mind that it is certainly not the only way to connect with children. For children who are emotionally defended against attaching in one of the more vulnerable ways, one may have to focus on less vulnerable offerings, like conveying a sense of sameness with a young person or finding an opportunity to demonstrate some loyalty by being on his side. In my work with young offenders, this was almost always where I started. Sometimes it would be as simple as noticing that we both had blue eyes or that we shared a similar interest.
(8:17:57) For the six modes of attachment, see chapter two. Although touch is important, we need to keep in mind that it is certainly not the only way to connect with children. For children who are emotionally defended against attaching in one of the more vulnerable ways, one may have to focus on less vulnerable offerings, like conveying a sense of sameness with a young person or finding an opportunity to demonstrate some loyalty by being on his side. In my work with young offenders, this was almost always where I started. Sometimes it would be as simple as noticing that we both had blue eyes or that we shared a similar interest.
(8:18:15) One may have to focus on less vulnerable offerings, like conveying a sense of sameness with the young person or finding an opportunity to demonstrate some loyalty by being on his side. In my work with young offenders, this was almost always where I started. Sometimes it would be as simple as noticing that we both had blue eyes or that we shared a similar interest and had something in common. Above all, an adult has to give something before the child will hold on. The ultimate gift is to make a child feel invited to exist in our presence exactly as he is, to express our delight in his very being.
(8:19:50) is conditional. Our challenge as parents is to provide an invitation that is too desirable and too important for a child to turn down, a loving acceptance that no peer can provide. In holding on to our gift of unconditional love, the child will be holding on to us emotionally, just as the infant held with closed fist the parent's finger. The child must perceive our offering to be spontaneous for connection to work. It may seem counterintuitive to say this, and I'll explain my reasons shortly, but we cannot collect a child by giving what is expected, whether it be part of a ritual
(8:19:50) is conditional. Our challenge as parents is to provide an invitation that is too desirable and too important for a child to turn down, a loving acceptance that no peer can provide. In holding on to our gift of unconditional love, the child will be holding on to us emotionally, just as the infant held with closed fist the parent's finger. The child must perceive our offering to be spontaneous for connection to work. It may seem counterintuitive to say this, and I'll explain my reasons shortly, but we cannot collect a child by giving what is expected, whether it be part of a ritual or as a birth
(8:20:07) The child will be holding on to us emotionally, just as the infant held with closed fist the parent's finger. The child must perceive our offering to be spontaneous for connection to work. It may seem counterintuitive to say this, and I'll explain my reasons shortly, but we cannot collect a child by giving what is expected, whether it be part of a ritual or as a birthday gift or as reward for some accomplishment. No matter how much fuss we may make, what we give under such circumstances will be associated with the situation or event, not with the relationship. Such giving never satisfies.
(8:20:42) the relationship. Such giving never satisfies. A child may enjoy gifts, whether physical or emotional, that are expected, but her attachment needs cannot be satiated by them. We cannot cultivate connection by indulging a child's demands, whether for attention, for affection, for recognition, or for significance. Although we can damage the relationship by withholding from a child when he is expressing a genuine need, meeting needs on demand must not be mistaken for enriching the relationship. In collecting a child, the element of initiative and surprise is vital.
(8:24:06) Responding to the child's request, the parent can take the initiative, expressing more interest and enthusiasm than the child anticipates. "Oh, that's a great idea! I was wondering how we could spend some time together. I'm so glad you thought of it." We take the child by surprise, making him feel that he is the one receiving the invitation. Nor can one collect a child or offer him something to hold on to by showering him with praise. Praise is usually about something the child has done, and as such is neither a gift nor spontaneous. Praise originates not in the adult but in the achievements
(8:24:16) I was wondering how we could spend some time together, I'm so glad you thought of it. We take the child by surprise, making him feel that he is the one receiving the invitation. Nor can one collect a child or offer him something to hold on to by showering him with praise. Praise is usually about something the child has done, and as such is neither a gift nor spontaneous. Praise originates not in the adult but in the achievements of the child. A child cannot hold on to praise because it is subject to cancellation with every failure. Even if he could hold on to the praise,
(8:27:11) Proceed without first having gained the child's trust is asking for trouble. This is true for the parent as well as the daycare worker, the babysitter, the teacher, the foster parent, the step-parent, or the counselor. Here, our new world preoccupation with independence gets in the way. We have no problem inviting the dependents of infants, but past that phase, independence becomes our primary agenda. Whether it is for our children to dress themselves, feed themselves, settle themselves, entertain themselves, think for themselves, solve their own problems, the story is the same.
(8:28:05) What we are really encouraging with this attitude is not true independence, only independence from us. Dependence is transferred to the peer group. In thousands of little ways, we pull and push our children to grow up, hurrying them along instead of inviting them to rest. We are pushing them away from us rather than bringing them to us. We could never court each other as adults by resisting dependence. Can you imagine the effect on wooing if we conveyed the message, Don't expect me to help you with anything I think you could or should be able to do yourself.
(8:29:53) ...are natural processes, we lose perspective. We become afraid our children will get stuck and never grow up. Perhaps we think that if we don't push a little, they will never leave the nest. Human beings are not like birds in this respect. The more children are pushed, the tighter they cling, or, failing that, they nest with someone else. Life comes in seasons. We cannot get to spring by resisting winter. In winter, plants are dormant. They will burst into bloom when spring comes. We cannot get to independence by resisting dependence. Only when the dependence needs are met
(8:30:03) They will never leave the nest. Human beings are not like birds in this respect. The more children are pushed, the tighter they cling. Or, failing that, they nest with someone else. Life comes in seasons. We cannot get to spring by resisting winter. In winter, plants are dormant. They will burst into bloom when spring comes. We cannot get to independence by resisting dependence. Only when the dependence needs are met does the quest for true independence begin. By resisting dependence, we thwart the movement to independence and postpone its realization.
(8:31:47) to depend upon them who are more likely to be effective in fostering independence in the end. A master teacher, rather than pushing pupils toward independence, supplies them instead with generous offerings of assistance. A master teacher wants her students to think for themselves, but knows the students cannot get there if she resists their dependence or chastises them for lacking maturity. Her students are free to lean on her without any sense of shame for their neediness. There is no shortcut to true independence. The only way to become independent is through being dependent.
(8:34:33) Lost and confused, separated from your belongings, unable to speak or understand the language, and feeling helpless and hopeless about your circumstances. Imagine someone approaching you and offering her assistance in your own language. After she had helped orient you about the persons to contact and places to go, every instinct within you would be primed to maintain closeness with your guide. Once she turned to go, you would undoubtedly seek to prolong the conversation, grasping at straws to keep her close. This being true for adults, how much more so for immature creatures of attachment completely dependent on others to get their bearings.
(11:41:23) Outings were planned with this in mind. The adults took the lead in collecting the children. This kind of family socializing took us by surprise at first, but it made perfect sense from an attachment perspective. The greater the number of caring adults in a child's life, the more immune he or she will be to peer orientation. As much as possible, we should be participating with our children in village-like activities that connect children to adults, whether through religious or ethnic centers, sports activities, cultural events, or in the community at large. On a street around the corner from my co-author's house
(11:45:19) Any visitor to Africa cannot help but notice the joyful spontaneity, the natural smiles, the freely loose bodily movements of the African child. That comes from close contact with loving adults in the attachment village. Alas, it's a culture now being devastated by war and famine in many places. I bring up these examples not to blame our own culture, but to show what we have lost by way of instinctive, attachment-based parenting. We may not be able to return to such practices, but we have to compensate for their loss in any way we can. Hence my insistence that we
(12:11:34) At the core of our being, it is not information about the world that human beings seek, nor even entertainment. When it comes to engaging the attentional mechanisms of our brains, neither information nor entertainment has priority. In fact, in our brain's hierarchy of importance, information ranks very low. It is more likely to be tuned out than tuned in. The brain filters out most sensory and cognitive data reaching it, lest it lose sight of what is essential at any moment. As we have seen throughout this book, our primary and dominant need is to
(12:11:34) At the core of our being, it is not information about the world that human beings seek, nor even entertainment. When it comes to engaging the attentional mechanisms of our brains, neither information nor entertainment has priority. In fact, in our brain's hierarchy of importance, information ranks very low. It is more likely to be tuned out than tuned in. The brain filters out most sensory and cognitive data reaching it, lest it lose sight of what is essential at any moment. As we have seen throughout this book, our primary and dominant need is...
(12:11:50) In fact, in our brain's hierarchy of importance, information ranks very low. It is more likely to be tuned out than tuned in. The brain filters out most sensory and cognitive data reaching it, lest it lose sight of what is essential at any moment. As we have seen throughout this book, our primary and dominant need is togetherness. It is connection we seek, not factual information about the world. Human beings, often as adults but especially as immature young creatures, are hungry for information not about the world, but about our attempts
(12:11:50) as priority. In fact, in our brain's hierarchy of importance, information ranks very low. It is more likely to be tuned out than tuned in. The brain filters out most sensory and cognitive data reaching it, lest it lose sight of what is essential at any moment. As we have seen throughout this book, our primary and dominant need is togetherness. It is connection we seek, not factual information about the world. Human beings, often as adults but especially as immature young creatures, are hungry for information not about the world, but about our attention.
(12:12:07) As we have seen throughout this book, our primary and dominant need is togetherness. It is connection we seek, not factual information about the world. Human beings, often as adults but especially as immature young creatures, are hungry for information not about the world but about our attachment status. We want assurance that we belong to those who matter to us. We are concerned that we are seen as similar to those we value, that we are important to them and liked by them, that we are wanted and understood by them, that we matter.
(12:12:31) We want assurance that we belong to those who matter to us. We are concerned that we are seen as similar to those we value, that we are important to them and liked by them, that we are wanted and understood by them, that we matter. We are driven to know whether or not we are invited into another's presence, and we present ourselves in the hope that this invitation will be forthcoming. Business is not our highest priority, nor is learning, nor entertainment. What shapes our interaction more than any other factor is attachment.
(14:07:54) Much of our behavior shapes our social habits and informs our ways of thinking about the world. It can even determine whether or not we are capable of rational thought at all in matters of the greatest importance to our lives. For many of us, it rears its head in our closest partnerships, causing all kinds of relational mischief. It was in 1889 that the pioneering French psychologist Pierre Jeannet first depicted traumatic memory as being held in automatic actions and reactions, sensations and attitudes, replayed and reenacted in viscer...
(14:07:54) Much of our behavior shapes our social habits and informs our ways of thinking about the world. It can even determine whether or not we are capable of rational thought at all in matters of the greatest importance to our lives. For many of us, it rears its head in our closest partnerships, causing all kinds of relational mischief. It was in 1889 that the pioneering French psychologist Pierre Jeannet first depicted traumatic memory as being held in automatic actions and reactions, sensations and attitudes replayed and reenacted in viss...
(14:10:21) five or six weeks of my life when I couldn't see you. I survived thanks to the kindness and courage of the unknown Christian woman to whom my mother entrusted me in the street and who conveyed me to relatives living in hiding under relatively safer circumstances. Reunited with my mother after the Soviet army had put the Germans to flight, I did not so much as look at her for several days. The great twentieth-century British psychiatrist and psychologist John Bowlby was familiar with such behavior. He called it detachment. At his clinic, he observed
(14:10:21) five or six weeks of my life when I couldn't see you. I survived thanks to the kindness and courage of the unknown Christian woman to whom my mother entrusted me in the street and who conveyed me to relatives living in hiding under relatively safer circumstances. Reunited with my mother after the Soviet Army had put the Germans to flight, I did not so much as look at her for several days. The great 20th century British psychiatrist and psychologist John Bowlby was familiar with such behavior. He called it detachment. At his clinic, he observed
(14:10:30) woman to whom my mother entrusted me in the street and who conveyed me to relatives living in hiding under relatively safer circumstances. Reunited with my mother after the Soviet army had put the Germans to flight, I did not so much as look at her for several days. The great 20th century British psychiatrist and psychologist John Bowlby was familiar with such behavior. He called it detachment. At his clinic, he observed ten small children who had to endure prolonged separation from their parents due to uncontrollable circumstances. On meeting mother
(14:11:04) long separation from their parents due to uncontrollable circumstances. On meeting Mother for the first time after days or weeks away, every one of the children showed some degree of detachment, Bowlby observed. Two seemed not to recognize Mother. The other eight turned away or even walked away from her. Most of them either cried or came close to tears. A number alternated between a tearful and expressionless face. It may seem counterintuitive, but this reflexive rejection of the loving mother is an adaptation. I was so hurt when you abandoned me, says the young child's mother
(14:11:04) ...long separation from their parents due to uncontrollable circumstances. On meeting mother for the first time after days or weeks away, every one of the children showed some degree of detachment, Bowlby observed. Two seemed not to recognize mother, the other eight turned away or even walked away from her. Most of them either cried or came close to tears. A number alternated between a tearful and expressionless face. It may seem counterintuitive, but this reflexive rejection of the loving mother is an adaptation. I was so hurt when you abandoned me, says the young child's mind.
(14:11:11) Each time after days or weeks away, every one of the children showed some degree of detachment, Bowlby observed. Two seemed not to recognize mother. The other eight turned away or even walked away from her. Most of them either cried or came close to tears. A number alternated between a tearful and expressionless face. It may seem counterintuitive, but this reflexive rejection of the loving mother is an adaptation. I was so hurt when you abandoned me, says the young child's mind, that I will not reconnect with you. I don't dare open myself to that pain again.
(14:11:11) This time, after days or weeks away, every one of the children showed some degree of detachment, Bowlby observed. Two seemed not to recognize mother. The other eight turned away or even walked away from her. Most of them either cried or came close to tears. A number alternated between a tearful and expressionless face. It may seem counterintuitive, but this reflexive rejection of the loving mother is an adaptation. I was so hurt when you abandoned me, says the young child's mind, that I will not reconnect with you. I don't dare open myself to that pain again.
(14:11:31) It may seem counterintuitive, but this reflexive rejection of the loving mother is an adaptation. I was so hurt when you abandoned me, says the young child's mind, that I will not reconnect with you. I don't dare open myself to that pain again. In many children, and I was certainly one, early reactions like these become embedded in the nervous system, mind, and body, playing havoc with future relationships. They show up throughout the lifetime in response to any incident even vaguely resembling the original imprint.